What would we do without them?

It's official. We now know precisely why so many illegal immigrants are managing to gain access to this country.

A crack team of peers have worked long and hard to examine the reasons why so many people are managing to cross the UK's borders and slip quietly into the Black Economy.

Lord Joplin and his EU Committee on Home Affairs have burned the midnight oil and put their considerable collective intelligence to work. Was it the carbon dioxide sensors which sense exhaled breath? Was it the 'magic eye' millimetre wave scanners which can effectively 'see through' lorries? Was it perhaps the heartbeat sensor technology? How about the new biometric IDs for Non-European Economic Area foreign nationals proposed from later this year?

No. It's the fences. If we repaired the fences at Calais, we could prevent at least fifteen hundred additional immigrants gaining access to the UK.

That's it then - despatch a white Transit immediately with nail gun and roll of weld mesh. One wonders what great mysteries of the world they might turn their attentions to next?

What would we do without them?

You couldn't write this stuff...

Some of us thought it bad enough that convicted illegal immigrants were given tax payers' money to go back to their country of origin, let alone giving them fifteen hundred pounds.

But a report out today tells us our Government have now doubled this to three thousand pounds. Many will think this is money well spent, as it is intended to help those law breakers with rent, moving expenses and so on, as they resettle in their country of origin.

Wouldn't you have thought it better to spend that cash tightening up our border controls so that we accepted those who wanted to make a positive contribution to this country?

And just so we don't think the magical fifteen hundred pound figure is gone - papers today annouce that this is exactly the amount by which Scottish tax payers are subsidised by English tax payers.

You couldn't write this stuff...